Rating
Puns (from the Humor List)
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
- I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
- There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
- I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
- I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
- I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
- A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
- The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
- Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
- When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
- Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
- There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
- Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
- A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
- A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
- Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
- It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
- I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
- My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
- I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
- The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
- She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
- Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
- I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
- A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
- Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
- Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
Subject: Infant Discovered In Barn (from The Humor List)
Infant Discovered In Barn, Child Protective Services Launch Probe Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother
Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn.
Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.
During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but was restrained by the police. Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to be wise men from an eastern country.
The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country.
The chemical substances in their possession will be tested.
The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning.
The manager of the Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining live- stock in a commercially-zoned district.
The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely underage. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal relationship is. Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure.
Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape. Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by doctors.
Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment.
She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.
The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others -- in this case her child -- we must consider her a danger to others.
"The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper therapy regimen we can get her back on her feet."
A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the end."
KTHO moves to a new studio!
We moved the main KTHO Studio into the Heavenly Village Gondola Complex! Really nice new setup, right next to everything in South Lake Tahoe. That's me standing up behind the main console doing live radio with Gary Bombelecki.
The Cat
Not sure where I found this, so I can't give proper attribution.
Corporate Sponsorship (from the Humor List)
I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
Conservaphobia (from the Humor List)
conservaphobia: noun. The fear of the American conservative political movement, often based on unfounded stereotypes and distortions.
You might be conservaphobic if:
You've never really listened to Rush Limbaugh because you're already sure that you disagree with practically everything he's ever said.
You refer to liberal Catholics, Protestants and Jews as "people of faith" but conservative Catholics, Protestants and Jews as the "religious right" or "radical religious right". (Maybe you have a thing for alliteration too.)
You think all white Republicans are racists and all black Republicans are sellouts.
You are a champion of first amendment rights except in public school classrooms and in front of abortion clinics.
You're glad you're not a Republican because after all, they want to starve school children and senior citizens.
You actually think that "liberal" and "progressive" are synonymous.
In your opinion, a government donation to the poor is somehow more effective than yours would be.
You only listen to and respect the views of "open-minded" people who think like you do.
You blame society's problems on "religious fanatics" and "corporate greed", never on the irresponsible behavior of individuals.
From Ann Coulter...
I am not the first to note the vast differences between the Wall Street protesters and the tea partiers. To name three: The tea partiers have jobs, showers and a point.
Tea partiers didn't block traffic, sleep on sidewalks, wear ski masks, fight with the police or urinate in public. They read the Constitution, made serious policy arguments, and petitioned the government against Obama's unconstitutional big government policies, especially the stimulus bill and Obamacare.
Then they picked up their own trash and quietly went home. Apparently, a lot of them had to be at work in the morning.
Subject: Dave Barry says...(from the Humor List)
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
A Photo From Jason's Wedding
At Jason's wedding they had a photo booth set up. This was the
result.
Mouse Trouble
My cousin sent this to me, so I'm not sure who did it originally. Made me laugh.
11th Anniversary
It is Diane and my 11th Anniversary today.
Whaddayaknow!
Here are some word of wisdom from Ogden Nash...
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
How to spend stimulus money
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q: What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to
taxpayers.
Q: Where will the government get this money ?
A: From taxpayers.
Q: So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A: Only a smidgen of it.
Q: What is the purpose of this payment ?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q: But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A: Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
- If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
- If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
- If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
- If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
- If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
- If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
- If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
- Spending it at yard sales, or
- Going to ball games, or
- Spending it on prostitutes, or
- Beer or
- Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Scottish Wisdom
From the Humor List...
- Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
- Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
- Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
- Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
- Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
Happy Towel Day!
Today marks the tenth anniversary of Douglas Adams passing, and another Towel Day. If you are a hoopy frood, you already know where your towel is. Go have a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster to celebrate!
From the Humor List
Subject: Death of bin Laden Under President Bush
How the mainstream media would have reported bin Laden's killing if it happened while George W. Bush was still president (by Doug Gamble, politicalmavens.com)...
WASHINGTON -- Continuing his crusade against the peaceful religion of Islam, President George W. Bush Sunday ordered a cowardly sneak attack on a Pakistan compound containing al Qaida leader Osama bin Laden. Consistent with the Bush-Cheney tactic of targeting non-combatants, the raid resulted in the murder of an innocent woman and three men in addition to bin Laden, who understandably had armed himself in an attempt to save his life against overwhelming odds. Reminiscent of Davy Crockett at the Alamo, the al Qaida head courageously went down fighting despite knowing he had no chance to prevail against unfair firepower.
Navy SEALs who burst into the compound opened fire without reading Obama his Miranda rights, a breach typical of Bush's contempt for the rule of law. In a blunder highlighting the incompetence of the U.S. military, of which Bush is commander-in-chief, a helicopter was destroyed in the raid resulting in a loss of millions of dollars to taxpayers.
Intelligence leading to the raid came from the heinous illegal torture of al Qaida victims held at Guantanamo. The raid itself was an illegal intrusion into a sovereign country, technically an act of war against Pakistan.
The thunderous noise of the U.S. helicopters caused great consternation to neighbors of the compound who had been trying to enjoy a good night's sleep, particularly terrifying women and children.
The million-dollar compound where the murders took place is similar to the mansions where Bush's rich friends live, having benefited financially from no-bid contracts awarded them by the administration, as well as gleaning riches from various other Bush and Cheney-related shady deals.
As word of bin Laden's murder spread, the "Ugly American" the world so hates showed its face in the form of disgusting celebrations in front of the White House, in New York's Times Square and at Ground Zero. The bloodthirsty mobs grew throughout the night, reveling in the death of a fellow human being.
With bin Laden's skin color being darker than Bush's, the long-held belief that the president is racist is now confirmed. In an ironic twist, bin Laden's death occurred on May 1, the same date as the death of Adolph Hitler, a tyrant to whom Bush has often been compared.
From The Humor List
Subject: Philosophy
The philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with an unanimous yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your spouse, your health, your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."
"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What does the beer represent?"
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Did you pay your taxes?
It is tax day afterall (since the 15th was extended so that all the Liberal tax gougers could party, and laugh, at our expense).
As Leona Helmsley once said, "Only the little people pay taxes". According to this article, it seems she was right. Check out all the corporate tax dodgers in this link...
Makes you feel good about doing your part, doesn't it?
Photo Tattoos
Seems like a logical progression. Photos in frames. Photos on mugs. Photos on t-shirts. Photos in calendars. Now, Kodak, is offering Photo Tattoos!
If you are wondering how it is done, it's simple. This was on their site on 1-APR-2011. April Fools!
The Sierra Club - Electric Cars - Myth vs. Reality
The Sierra Club has just published an interesting article about the Myths vs. Reality of Electric Cars. You can find it here
Rethinking Nuclear Power
Everyone that is getting all lathered up about the "dangers of nuclear power" should read this episode of the Skeptoid. We'd need a Chernobyl disaster every three weeks to match the damage coal and oil are doing currently.
Hello?
Someone sent this to me, so I'm not sure who did it originally. Made me laugh.
BFR Passed!
BFR stands for biennial flight review. When you have a pilot's license, every two years you have to get a sign off from a CFI (certified flight instructor) or an FAA examiner.
Spent part of the day reviewing new FAR/AIM (Federal Aviation Regulations) rules and basic safety procedures. We then went to San Pablo Bay and did some maneuvers. We then flew to Half Moon Bay and had lunch at the 3-Zero Diner on the field (pretty good selection and tasty portions). After that is was the zoo of getting back to Oakland around all the various airspace restrictions over the main part of San Francisco Bay.
The weather was just right, and it was a great way to spend a day.
A letter to the President from a Physician
A young physician by the name of Dr. Starner Jones sent a short letter to the White House that accurately puts the blame on a "Culture Crisis" instead of a "Health Care Crisis". It's worth a quick read:
Dear Mr. President:
During my shift in the Emergency Room last night, I had the pleasure of evaluating a patient whose smile revealed an expensive shiny gold tooth, whose body was adorned with a wide assortment of elaborate and costly tattoos, who wore a very expensive brand of tennis shoes and who chatted on a new cellular telephone equipped with a popular musical ringtone. While glancing over her patient chart, I happened to notice that her payer status was listed as "Medicaid"! During my examination of her, the patient informed me that she smokes more than one costly pack of cigarettes every day and somehow still has money to buy pretzels and beer. And, you and our Congress expect me to pay for this woman's health care?
I contend that our nation's "health care crisis" is not the result of a shortage of quality hospitals, doctors or nurses. Rather, it is the result of a "crisis of culture", a culture in which it is perfectly acceptable to spend money on luxuries and vices while refusing to take care of one's self or, heaven forbid, purchase health insurance. It is a culture based in the irresponsible credo that "I can do whatever I want to because someone else will always take care of me".
Once you fix this "culture crisis" that rewards irresponsibility and dependency, you'll be amazed at how quickly our nation's health care difficulties will disappear.
Respectfully, STARNER JONES, MD
From the Humor List
It's said that if you play a Windows Vista installation disk backwards, you can hear Satanic messages.
Some people think it's worse if you play it forwards, as it actually installs Windows Vista.
From the Humor List
- Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
- Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
- The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
- My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
- It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
- A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
- My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
- A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
- I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
- My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
- Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
- As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Liberal Charity (from the Humor List)
In the decade before Joe Biden became vice president, the Bidens gave a total -- all 10 years combined -- of $3,690 to charity, or 0.2 percent of their income. They gave in a decade what most Americans in their tax bracket give in an average year, or about one row of hair plugs.
Of course, even in Biden's stingiest years, he gave more to charity than Sen. John Kerry did in 1995, which was a big fat goose egg. To be fair, 1995 was an off-year for Kerry's charitable giving. The year before, he gave $2,039 to charity, and the year before that a staggering $175. He also dropped a $5 bill in the Salvation Army pail and almost didn't ask for change.
In 1998, Al Gore gave $353 to charity -- about a day's take for a lemonade stand in his neighborhood. When Sen. Ted Kennedy released his tax returns to run for president in the '70s, they showed that Kennedy gave a bare 1 percent of his income to charity. (Cash tips to bartenders and cocktail waitresses are not considered charitable donations.)
In 2006 and 2007, John McCain, who files separately from his rich wife, gave 27.3 percent and 28.6 percent of his income to charity.
In 2005, Vice President Cheney gave 77 percent of his income to charity. He also shot a lawyer in the face, which I think should count for something.
Wait a minute, didn't there used to be more crap on this page?
Yep, I decided to archive it right here.