Rating
READ AND TAKE NECESSARY CORRECTIVE ACTION. (From the Humor List)
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of transmitted disease. The disease is contracted through ignorant, promiscuous, and irresponsible behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectem and is pronounced "gonna re-elect 'em."
Many victims contracted it in 2008, after having being "brainwashed" with promised change and then screwed. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how widespread this disease has become since it is so easily cured....by voting out all incumbents!
Apparently, there is a vaccine available in Massachusetts.
Old Dogs (from the Humor List)
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and, before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike; a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance come only with age and experience.
Never Assume
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?", asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is... You're NOT my flight instructor?"
The Death of Common Sense(from the Humor List)
Obituary: Common Sense
[by Lori Borgman -- first published in
the Indianapolis Star on 15 March 1998]
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense.
Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure at the brink of the millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.
For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second.
A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including feminism, body piercing, whole language and "new math."
But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only- helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation.
He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable regulations for asbestos, low flow toilets, "smart" guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.
Finally when told that the homeowners association restricted exterior furniture only to that which enhanced property values, he breathed his last.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Watchmen
Watchmen is another graphic novel put on film, and like Sin City, it is a bit grittier than the average flick. If you're easily made squeamish, then this won't be the flick for you. Plus, at two and a half hours, it is a bit of a time investment.
Since I've never read the comic book, um, graphic novel, I can't comment on how well it does, or does not, follow the print version. I can say it was a well done movie visually, and thematically. The alternate 1985 depicted, and the time periods leading up to it, were shown in such a way that it rang familiar, yet different.
It was a nice touch that most of the "good guys" we far from squeaky clean, and had some pretty grizzly skeletons in their collective closets. While the ending was a bit predicatable and preachy, it did not completely ruin the movie as a whole.
All in all, I'd give it a 3.5 out of five (with the graphic rounded up to four).
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Rent it from Netflix.
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Buy it from Amazon.
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Get more info from IMDb.
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Bowl Games
Both Iowa State and Iowa won a bowl game this year. I'm not sure
how often that happens, but it is probably not very often. Iowa
State beat Minnesota 14-13 in the Insight Bowl. Iowa beat Georgia
Tech 24-14 in the Orange Bowl.
It might have something to do with the fact that there are 34 bowl games now. That means 68 of the 118 (or so) Division I (or is it FBS?) schools get to go to a bowl. Is this an attempt to wrest every TV dollar possible out of college football, an extension of the "everybody gets a gold star" mentality, or both?
I'm going with both.
I can't count the number of times I saw a TV listing for a bowl game and said, "Who is playing who, in the what bowl?".
Mommy the Pole Dancer
My brother sent this to me the other day. I don't know if it's real, or made up, but I did find it funny.
When I first saw it, and before I read the explanation, I thought it was something straight out of "My Name is Earl".
The voice sounds familiar...
What do you know? It is me.
Oops.
I was adjusting my mail server yesterday afternoon to try and reduce the amount of SPAM that comes through. In the process of "fixing" it, I got it to the point where sending mail to me would be rejected.
OK, that does reduce SPAM, but it was not quite what I intended.
If you sent me mail yesterday and got a message like "invalid user or relay attempt", that is why.
Resend it, and it should be OK today. (fingers crossed)
I'm happy that the A's are playing great in the post season!
Too bad it's individual players that used to be A's, and not the A's as a team. Nick Swisher with the Yank-mes, Carlos Gonzales (CarGon) and and Huston Street with Colorado, Joe Blanton for the Phillies, Andre Ethier for LA Dodgers (the ONLY team in Los Angeles, by the way, regardless of the inaccurate marketing hype put out by the Angels).
Matt "The Goat" Holliday, who blew the series for the Cardinals, was also an A. Since he was here for only a half season and batted horribly, I don't really consider him an A.
Wonder who we'll trade away, for nothing in return, this year?
172SP Checkout
I decided to learn a new airplane, and for the last few weeks have been taking lessons from Fiona McChesney in Cessna 172SPs.
Today I got signed off as being proficient enough for insurance and flying club policies. I can now fly 172SPs.
Next up, Cessnas with Garmin G1000 glass panel avionics.
Pi Bar (Π) dry run
Yeah!
We finally got through the permit problems and did one final dry run to make sure we had good pizza dough and tap flow. Pies (Πs) were tossed and cooked, beers were poured, hands were shook and backs were slapped.
We are ready to go.
Official opening day, October 1st!
See the Pi Bar webpage for the menus, map and "the manifesto".
Oakland Parking - More examples of City Council retardation
With the city budget 80 million in the red our esteemed city council members decided that the thing that would most help city businesses attact customers is to raise the parking rates to $2.00 per hour on all meters, and change the meter times to twelve hours a day. Of course they didn't bother to update the information on any of the meters themselves, but they did hire more thugs to write tickets. Oh, and they raised the fines as well.
As you can guess this does drive customers and business. AWAY from Oakland!
I saw the poster on the left hanging in a window in a business in town. Sorry it is a hard to see, but I was taking a picture of it from the outside. It basically shows the city as a ghost town with all businesses boarded up. The cartoon city councilman is jumping in the air yelling, "Mission Accomplished!".
But then what do you expect from a group of people that have no experience doing business that isn't under the table or funneled directly into their pet projects. This from a group that had two members, Brooks and Quan, spend so much time and energy fighting for a parking spot next to City Hall that the City Attorney had to get involved?
Another for instance, Quan, the councilman for my district, is such a good businessperson that she ran the Oakland School District into bankruptcy, and it had to be taken over by the state. She followed that up by frittering away the 100 million dollar surplus the City had a few years ago. When the downturn came it was certainly good we had that surplus to fall back on, otherwise...
Oh, wait, we didn't...
So the question becomes;
Oakland Politicians:
Incompetent?
Corrupt?
Or both?
A horse, a horse... from the Humor List
Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of plastic surgery, concluding with this case study:
"Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House."
$50 for the homeless
from the Humor List
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.
"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
From the Humor List
Subject: An Easily Understandable Explanation of Derivative Markets
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.
By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.
Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers.
Now, do you understand?
Health Care
I saw this on the Humor List today.
Proposed Health Care Bumper Stickers:
- My Other Car Is A Health Insurance Payment
- My Death Panel Is An HMO
- One Nation, Underinsured
- My Car Has Better Insurance Than I Do
- Underinsured Baby On Board
- Hate Socialism? Repeal Medicare!!
- It's Okay... Congress Has GREAT Insurance
- Kill Healthcare! 30,000 Lobbyists Can't Be Wrong!
- Every Time A Claim Is Denied An Adjuster Gets His Wings
The Accidental Tomato
Earlier this year I was having problems with a lemon tree I had in a planter. The leaves were starting to look bad and some of the branches were dying. I took a couple of leaves in a bag to Thornhill Nursery, and the guy there said it looked like the roots were rotting and being crowded, and suggested I replant it in a larger tub. He said it was probably too late, but I might as well try anyway.
So I went out and got a larger planter, added two to three inches of soil from my compost heap around the bottom and sides, and put the tree in its new home. I gave it plenty of water and set it outside to drain before moving it through the house and back to the patio on the sunny side of the house.
That night the deer decided that lemon leaves were yummy, and ate all but one leaf.
Deer are jerks!
I brought the plant inside, knowing full well it wouldn't live with only one leaf. Sure enough a few weeks later I had a lemon stick in a pretty new planter. Bummer.
So I let the dead stick "art project" sit while I pondered if I wanted to get a replacement lemon tree. After a couple of weeks I saw a few odd plants growning.
Whadda ya know. Tomato plants! Neato!
Tour Wrapup
The 2009 Tour de France is finally over and Contador wound up first, with Andy Schleck second and Lance third. While Contador has been declared the winner of the Tour, he is a loser in every other sense of the word.
Instead of working for his team, Astana, he worked against them at every opportunity. While they carried his sorry ass across the flat stages, and worked to keep him near the top of the GC, he went out of his way to sabotage the team in the mountains. Had it not been for his petulant, childish, tactics, Astana could have finished with three on the podium. He still could have had his precious yellow jersey, and waved his teenie weenie in Lance's general direction, and come out looking like a true champion.
Nope. He decided to be a selfish jackass.
Wonder what team will be desperate enough to sign him for next year? He won't be on Astana, and it is a sure bet he won't be on the newly formed Radio Shack squad.
Hopefully, none.
Pi Bar Progress
Diane and I invested in Pi Bar in San Francisco, a yet-to-be-open, specialty beer and craft pizza establishment near 25th and Valencia.
We were there just a few days ago and the build out is looking pretty good. Don't let the stark nature of the photo fool you, previously it was a Thai restuarant with a mish-mash of architectural quirks that didn't look good at all.
The hope is to have it finished and open for business by the end of August.
Why invest in a restuarant in this day and age, you ask? Well, we could lose money in the market, or in this restuarant. Charles Schwab has yet to offer me free beer and pizza when they lose our money.
Five Reasons Why Bob Geren Should Be Sacked
I just found this article on bleacherreport.com and thought it made some interesting points about how the A's have struggled under manager Bob Geren.
Let's see. In Ken Macha's last year, 2006, the A's went 93-69, got first place in tha AL West, and got to the second round of the playoffs. During the off-season, with time left on his contract, Macha was cut loose.
Bring in Geren, Billy Beane's buddy and best man.
Since then Geren has done...
| Year | Record | Position in the AL West |
|---|---|---|
| 2007 | 76-86 | third, but only one game out of last |
| 2008 | 75-86 | third, but only because Seattle went into epic fail mode |
| 2009 (so far) | 35-47 | last, 11 games out, and on track for a 70-92 record |
I'm surprised Bleacher Report could only come up with five.
Cat Combo
We inherited a new (to us) cat a week, or so, ago. Since we already have three cats in the house, I worried that the "new kid" would not fit in. KC, the "new kid", is actually the oldest of the four, but he is the newest to the house.
As you can see, KC (orange, on the right) and Cole are OK with napping on the same bed. Before I got out of bed to take this picture I had one on each side of me.
Now if I can just get Squeakums to play nice, we'll have made the transition from cat chaos, to cat combo!
Subject: Economic stimulis, from the Humor List
It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism...
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business.
Found in my in-box. Author unknown to me.
Subject: Golf Truths You Probably Didn't Know from the Humor List
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; for example, backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are ... that is why I get so many calls to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
A pro shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he's shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweat- shirt will do just fine.
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and break wind while you're performing brain surgery.
MLB First Year Draft
So I watched the MLB First Year Player Draft for a while (Yes, I was that bored) and was struck by two things...
- How is that the A's sucked so hard last year but only got a 14th place pick in the first round?
- Has anyone, but me, noticed that Bug Selig looks like Bill Gates' older, greasier, and less trustworty Brother?
Let us compare...
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That's not a fair comparison. I only used my monopoly position to collude the players association out of a third of a billion dollars, deny any possible competition, and keep franchises under my control. |
I'd have to agree, not a fair comparison. I used my monopoly position to bilk consumers out of trillions of dollars, squash competition from better products, and keep my licensees under control. |
Well, perhaps I was wrong. They don't seem to be the same at all. My mistake.
Just in case you need more disdain for the Yankees
From Phil Mushnick's column in the NY Post:
Reader Gary Cicio, NYC podiatrist, did the research, and asks us to choose one of the two options to see a Mariners-Yankees game this season, and from the very best seats:
Option 1: Two tickets to Tuesday night, June 30, Mariners at Yanks [at Yankee Stadium], cost for just the tickets, $5,000.
Option 2: Two round-trip airline tickets to Seattle, Friday, Aug. 14, return Sunday the 16th, rental car for three days, two-night double occupancy stay in four-star hotel, two top tickets to both the Saturday and Sunday Yanks-Mariners games, two best-restaurant-in-town dinners for two. Total cost, $2,800. Plus-frequent flyer miles.
My comment: I guess the Yankees have to figure out some way to pay for the $300 million dollar cheater that is A-Fraud.
From the Humor List
Subject: The History of Cinco de Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to NewYork. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and who were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
There is a group of people out there who don't believe this story,
and are not in favor of Cinco De Mayo.
They are known as the Cinco De Mayo nays.
Natinals
I may carp about the A's every now and then, but at least they can spell the team name correctly on the jersey.
My sister, a suffering Nats fan, sent me this picture. She said that she suspected the Baltimore Orioles of this because they are the team in that market known as the "O's", so Washington had to give up their "O"s.
I thought it was because they were putting zeros up on the scoreboard with such speed and vigor that they had to start taking O's off the uniforms to keep up with demand.
Bottom of the AL West already
OK, so it's only one game. But does it portend to another layer of suckage for the city of Oakland?
Talk about prescient, this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon is from April 4th, 1993.
BFR Passed!
BFR stands for biennial flight review. When you have a pilot's license, every two years you have to get a sign off from a CFI (certified flight instructor) or an FAA examiner.
I spent some time with flying with Christopher Freeze today getting grilled and drilled on proper aircraft flying techniques and safety. Must have done OK, since he signed my logbook! Good for another two years!
Wait a minute, didn't there used to be more crap on this page?
Yep, I decided to archive it right here.